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i've just realized...

i've just realized something lately....

last night i was able to go out with my other set of friends, eat dinner and watch a movie afterwards. i had fun last night. and i mean i really had fun last night. it was a chance for me to see everyone again after several months. although the get-together is supposed to be for one of us thats going abroad for several months -work related though. for some of us there is (and i quote) "professional envy" but of course we are all happy for him. but more than that we are all happy to see each other again.

for me though its a bit of a different story. as the title of this blog suggests, i have just realized that i had and still do have feelings for this person. i know i've blogged about this before - when it started out from an email survey back in college and my friends tried to dig deeper into that email reply of mine to know who the heck am i pertaining to as a "crush". i guess this crush became more than just a crush until it inevitably took control of me somehow. ok that might be a bit overboard - that might not even emmanate from me visually. but it really did feel that way. right now im lost, i want to have a talk with one of my friends but i m afraid that they might think otherwise of me or even judge me. sigh... will do try to talk about this with someone close to me.
Saturday, October 15, 2005 at 10:35 PM

been a long time

its been quite a while since my last pos <- teka gasgas na itong line na ito sa blogger ...

anyways, with the cliche aside lets just say I'm quite picky about what to blog - heck even my friends dont blog as often as before anymore. maybe work is tiring us down or maybe we just dont feel like blogging as often as before. right now we're going gaga over posting pictures on flickr.com the site, its quite fun actually.

havent been in constant contact with my friends lately since me and joan's birthday. I wonder how life is for them right now. I know life aint the same since we graduated from college and everything we dreamt or imagined of about our life after college is totally different and a lot idealistic from what we are actually into. but maybe not everyone. some of us either had a lot of luck of some sort, a majestical help from their ancestors or something like that - which lead them to have a good job that they really like and even have a good pay (maybe thats a bit too much, they may just get either a high pay with an ok job or the other way around) - for the rest of us we may have a job for the sake of having a job, get one that is "used as a stepping stone and gain experience" or even just take the first job offer since it hard to find a job that you want or all of the companies to want to be in doesnt want you. but i think ultimately there is a time for all of us to flourish. for some of us it may be right now (especially for our certified braniacs) but for the rest of us its just a matter of time - and before we know it we're reaching success.

sigh... im having really bad time this past few weeks. its so depressing that no matter how want things to stay the same - change is really bound to happen one way or another. im talking about big changes in life not just the small things like changing a habbit. before i wasn't thinking about these things because i thought it wouldnt happen to us - to me. i know someone near and dear to me who is also undergoing this life changing moment. her loved one currently on medication due to a common illness - common to some that is but really hard to fight. right now i guess i could say that i am going through that same obstacle in life, as hers. its hard to see our loved ones struggle to get through these challenges in life, specially when it occured on a later time of their lives. we want to help them all throughout but we can only do so much. its heartbreaking to think too much of the possibilities of what might happen. all we could do now is pray - pray as hard as we can that we may get through these obstacles and regain that track that we once have lost. yes! its true! that guilty feeling we get when we try to live a pretty normal life and go out with friends or even just ourselves to relax a bit. we cant help but think of our loved ones - how they are doing, if they need help if they need you. i know im there when they need me but what if im not there. even though i want to be there i cant because i also have work to think about. are these things meant to happen one way or another. we always see or here about this stuff happen to other people but to see these things happen to ourselves ... it just makes me want to sit in a corner and ... ... ...

a helpless feeling...
Sunday, October 09, 2005 at 10:53 PM